Hello again! It has been over a year since I first started on my de-conversion journey from fundamentalist Christianity. I have felt the growing urge to revisit my Religious Trauma Syndrome and the subsequent wounds. What have I discovered about myself now that the wounds inflicted have had a little time to heal?
The following lists are taken from this article about the effects of Religious Trauma Syndrome. I figured I would take them one by one and see how my experience matched up with the symptoms.
“Below are some symptoms commonly experienced by people suffering from Religious Trauma Syndrome.
- Confusing thoughts and reduced ability to think critically
Then: It took me over 3 months to untangle my thoughts regarding the religion that I was raised in. I always prided myself on my ability to search out answers. But what I didn’t realize, was that I was only allowing answers that lined up with what I was “supposed” to believe. So when I started actually looking outside that tiny little box, my brain became so overwhelmed and overloaded.
Now: My brain is less scattered. I enjoy learning new things without having to limit them to fit in a pre-existing box. I am open to discovering without fear that I will be considered a heretic. It is incredibly freeing and I am discovering more about myself in the process.
- Negative beliefs about self, others, and the world
Then: Yes. So. MUCH. YES. I have written about that before.
Now: Thankfully, these negative beliefs have been replaced with a much more positive outlook. I am learning to trust myself. I am worthy. I am enough. And so is every other beautiful human.
- Trouble making decisions
Then: The idea of being punished eternally for making the wrong choice was debilitating. How was I supposed to know what “God’s” will was in my life? Every choice was either wrong or right. Wrong choice brought punishment. Either guilt now or burning in the afterlife.
Now: I have finally gotten to a place where making a decision doesn’t debilitate me. I still dislike making decisions. But now, I am responsible for making the best decision that I can with the knowledge that I have now. And I am strong enough to deal with the consequences of my actions. When I know better, I do better. I have given myself the opportunity to learn and grow with each new experience.
- Feelings of depression, anxiety, grief, anger, lethargy
Then: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety during the process. Granted, there were a lot of other things going on in my life to add to it. But looking back, I can clearly see how the effects of religion intensified these. And the ANGER. Oh, the pure anger that came from feeling like I had wasted my 30 years of life stuck in something that was so toxic to my mental and emotional health. Then came the inconsolable grief that the anger was hiding.
Now: I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but nowhere near the same intensity. And I am able to work through them now that I have coping skills. And rarely is it because of religion. I still feel upset (mostly sadness and frustration when I see a church building or bible post on Facebook. But I have learned to breathe through it and move on. It isn’t as triggering anymore. I no longer grieve the years spent in the toxic environment because I realize that it taught me a lot. And hopefully, I can use my experience to help others who have a similar experience.
- A sense of feeling lost, directionless, and alone
Then: During my de-conversion, I felt so alone. What would I build on now that I had just destroyed the foundation for how I processed my whole life? I wasn’t confused about why I left religion. I had finally worked through all of that and there was no going back. But now what? How did I find meaning in life when “religion” was what gave me a purpose and explanation for my existence? I needed to know why to feel safe. Religion gave me that why, or so I thought. But I never felt safe.
Now: I still ask why. I still love searching and pondering the mysteries of the universe. I can embrace science, all science. Not just the ones that confirm my pre-determined beliefs. I can embrace the metaphysical. I can trust my inner knowing, my intuition. But mostly? I feel peace knowing that I might never know. And there is a beauty in that. I can only know the here and now, so I might as well live as well as I can. If there is an afterlife- wonderful! If not, I will still be ok.
- A lack of pleasure or interest in things you used to enjoy
Then: I was learning Hebrew. I used to play hymn arrangements on the piano. I read my bible every day and enjoyed researching the history. Now, I wanted to vomit every time I saw a verse pop up on Facebook. The music that used to give me comfort left me empty and sad. Church left me shaken as I heard words spouted from the pulpit and in the music that just jabbed at the wounds that were so raw.
Now: I have new interests. I am pursuing interests that I was drawn to as a child, but was never “allowed.” They don’t have a religious background. And I am actually good at them and they bring me so much joy! Most of the people in my life don’t understand them. But this time, I don’t have to justify them.
- A loss of a community (family, friends, romantic relationships)
Then: I lost friends from church, mostly my fault as I distanced myself so as not to start an argument when biblical things were brought up. It was never my intention to turn others away from their faith. I lost a closeness that I shared with my family. My mother still believes that I am just mad at God and eventually I will find my way back to the fold. My grandpa and uncle used to constantly share and discuss lessons/research with me and ask my thoughts. Women weren’t allowed or taught in the circles they were in, so I felt special and connected to them. I don’t have that anymore. I lost my marriage. My husband told me the only reason he was staying with me was that God didn’t want him to divorce. And now that I didn’t share the same beliefs, I had put the final nail in the coffin.
Now: I found people who are open to discussing different beliefs and ideas without limits. They have kindly shown me a world that isn’t as doom and gloom as I grew up believing. I have joined online communities that have taught me so much. And my relationships are no longer defined by a set of rules/expectations based on a patriarchal system that damaged me as a woman. (I have written about that a bit too in a previous post). I also am pickier about who I let into my circle as my peace is very precious to me.
- Feeling isolated or a sense that you don’t belong
Then: I felt very isolated. Who do you talk to when your entire spiritual world is crumbling when most of your family and friends don’t understand why you would allow it to crumble in the first place? Why ask those questions? Just get in line and believe.
Now: Thankfully, I found my tribe who validated my experience and didn’t judge me. I still feel like I don’t belong, because I can’t claim any one label. But I am learning to be ok with that. Dance to my own music and all that.
- Feeling “behind the times” with cultural happenings
Then: Oh my. Where to even start? I felt like I had been living in a bubble and all of a sudden LIFE was happening all around me. Friends my age would reminisce about movies or boy bands and I had nothing to contribute because those things were “worldly” and “evil.” Not to mention political events, you voted one way or you weren’t a true Christian. History was white-washed and everything related back to religion. The brand of religion you were supposed to believe.
Now: I am educating myself. There is a lot to make up for. I am doing my best to learn and support those who are marginalized and taken advantage of in society.
- And many other symptoms of PTSD including nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, emotional difficulty, etc.
Then: To this day I still can’t watch scary movies about spirits or possession. I had so many nightmares about demon possession. Disassociation is another one. It was easier to just step away into my mind rather than deal with what was going on around me. Reality didn’t matter because it was all sinful and going to be burnt in a fervent heat in the end times. The body was going to decay and die, with heaven as a reward. So why bother? Emotional difficulty is something I definitely struggle with. In my experience, only half of a person’s emotions were allowed. Any negative emotions were from the devil or a sign of your sin nature that you had to get under control. So I stuffed them. Even during a counseling session, the therapist mentioned that they could tell I was really struggling with understanding the emotions I was feeling and being able to articulate them. I’m like duh?? What do you expect when you haven’t been given the tools to feel and work through them in a healthy manner?
Now: I actually watched a T.V. series with the “devil” and I was terrified I would have nightmares. I actually was able to laugh and see it for what it was. A story. I still struggle to stay present in my body, but I am getting better at staying in the moment. Emotions are becoming easier to manage. I have learned the functions of the “negative” ones. They are the warning system that keeps me safe. They show me where my boundaries were broken. Where my expectations were too high. Where my body needs rest and care.
Religious Trauma Syndrome is often caused for different reasons for different people. Many people experience RTS as a result from an authoritarian religion or faith community. Individuals suffering from RTS may be struggling with black and white thinking, irrational beliefs, difficulty trusting oneself, low self-esteem, or feeling indebted to a group of people.”
I think I have mentioned all of those in previous blog posts. Mine was based in a faith community of authoritarian religion. However, spiritual abuse can happen in all spiritual communities. Especially those that have an unequal power dynamic. It is easy to fall back into abuse after you have experienced it, and I won’t go back there. This is why at this point, I do not claim or label myself as anything. I am just me, searching and loving every moment of new discovery. Everything I pursue now is met with critical thinking and trusting my inner knowing. I am going to mess up and make mistakes. Instead of beating myself up, I give myself grace. It has been a long, difficult process. I still haven’t “come out” about my de-conversion to most of my friends and family, though by now they have probably noticed something is up. But I am realizing I do not have to explain myself. I just have to remain true to myself. A new experience for me. And one that I am loving.
If you are a survivor of spiritual abuse, I want you to know that your feelings are valid. Your experience is valid. The boundaries you have now put up are valid. The steps you are taking to heal yourself are so important. You are brave. You are not alone.
The Daily Search 