A Woman’s Place

Oh boy. Hang on to your hats, this is going to be a bumpy ride. Quite possibly painful. My intention is not to throw shade at any one person or the ever polarizing idea of “male toxicity.” All I hope to accomplish is to share my experiences and observations of the fundamentalist Biblical model of women and its effects in my own life. I do apologize if this brings up any triggers.

From the beginning in Genesis, the first woman Eve is described as being a helper. She is created to keep Adam company, who has discovered he is lonely with only other animals around. The most widely accepted interpretation of this position, is one of subservience. The woman is to help her husband in everything he does. She must be his support system, always. Culturally, that means being a good wife, taking care of the kids and keeping a well run household (Proverbs 31 woman). I enjoy looking up the Hebrew definitions of the original text language. Here is a definition based on the word used in Hebrew, ezer kenegdo:

The word ezer is qualified by the word kenegdo in both Genesis 2:18 and 20. Kenegdo, often translated as “suitable for him”, gives the meaning that Eve was designed to be a corresponding and equal partner for Adam. There is no sense of subordination stated or implied, or even hinted at, in this passage in Genesis 2.[7]

Ezer kenegdo—”a helper suitable for him”—is used in reference to the first woman without any narrow qualifications, prescribed limits, or carefully crafted cultural restrictions. In other words, it is not specified anywhere in Genesis 2 how the first woman was to express and apply her help towards her husband but, presumably, it was to alleviate the man’s “alone-ness” and partner with him in their joint commission, given in Genesis 1:28.

Ok I can kinda jive with the idea that there is no sense of subordination implied. That we are equal. The idea of a partner is also nice. Somebody to walk through life’s journey with. But something keeps gnawing at me about that statement. Why did God wait to create Eve? He would have known that Adam would have benefited from a “helper.” Why hold off until Adam felt alone? Until the “need” became noticed? Because in that statement above, a woman was created to alleviate a problem that a man had. We were created to fill a gap in man’s existence. To make his life better. There is nothing said about what makes a woman’s existence better. Take away the first man and Eve isn’t needed. She has no definable purpose outside of a man. Eve was created by taking the rib from Adam. She has a part of him inside her. The first thing Adam says about Eve is that she is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. She is made from me, thus she is an extension of me. She doesn’t even get to be her own unique creation, like her husband. Her worth and purpose is based on Adam.

Unfortunately, I see this played out in Christian circles even today. A Christian married woman is given a higher status than a single Christian woman because she is fulfilling her role in creation. Why do you think single Christian women are constantly on the search for the perfect Godly man to be their husband? It defines them. It allows them to fulfill the only role they are given. And when they can’t find a good Christian man to marry, they start to focus on being married to God. Or that God is currently working on their man and they just need to be patient. Not once is it ok to just be single. I am not saying there are never exceptions to this, but that this is the norm.

Take a look at most Bible study, Sunday School, VBS leaders. They are, more often than not, married women. I was always taught that only men could be pastors. I literally remember hearing it being discussed that women should not be pastors or leaders because their menses would make them irrational one week out of each month. That we don’t want a PMSing woman preaching to us. That would be so bad! Somehow, our hormones and feelings are only good enough to, oh I don’t know, bring life into the world. Women are to keep silent in the church and not assume too much power. The Bible says that after the fall, our desire will always be towards our husbands. More often than not, that is interpreted as desiring the husband’s role of leadership. He is the God-authority over his family on Earth. We women are just power hungry, clawing to grasp any control over men. So to be a woman pastor is the ultimate grasp for power. Totally is out of the question. But you can teach women and children. You are allowed to nurture babies, to raise your children in the home to follow the ways of God. You can teach the younger women how to be better wives and mothers. Just don’t teach the menfolk. They won’t respond to a woman’s teaching anyway and it will make them feel inferior. Seriously, I am not making this stuff up. I have read and heard it all. Maybe we only look power hungry because we are asking for equality. Which means sharing power, not using it against each other.

A second interpretation of desire toward her husband is that a woman will crave a man. She will not feel complete without having a husband (go back two paragraphs). In her desire to be fulfilled by the value a man puts on her, she will forget that her value comes from God. Oh yeah. That again. Her unlovable, worthless, sinful self that is only lovable because God is love. Can I just offer up an idea? Maybe your self worth and value isn’t based on what others think or say. What if we accept the idea that as a person, you intrinsically are valuable, worthy, and deserving of self love. It is not wrong to have human interaction, partnerships, and marriage. What I am saying is that even while in those relationships, your value is not dependent on them.

In a marriage, the Bible lays out the following model of authority: God is over Husband, Husband is over Wife, and Both are over the children. A controlling God who if you don’t follow and fear him, you get punished for eternity in Hell. Which then can easily translate into family life. The husband is the head. He can demand obedience and respect because of the title he bears.The most famous verse phrase tossed around in fundamentalist circles is, Wives, submit to your husbands. We tend to forget the second part of that verse. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. Unfortunately, there are no healthy boundaries taught with that first admonition. We are to submit in everything. We literally have no real say in the matter, whatever it is. We can give our opinion and offer a different perspective, but ultimately, any decision rests in the final authority of the husband. Sadly, this has led to so much abuse and unhealthy relationships in Christian circles. Because a woman is not given any recourse to stand up for herself. If she did, she is not fulfilling her role to be her husband’s true helper. She should submit and pray to God to change her husband. Is he neglecting you? Pray about it. Does he have an addiction? Pray about it. Is he abusing you? Pray about it. Do you need to divorce him? Oh no, God doesn’t allow divorce so you just keep submitting. God will change his heart. And years go by and nothing changes. When you do finally speak up for yourself in a healthy way, you are a Jezebel (that wicked evil queen in the Old Testament). You are out of line. Thankfully, some light is being shed on how the Church continues to perpetuate the idea that abuse is ok, whether they realize it or not, by forcing women into this submissive wife role. Women are starting to share their stories and realize they aren’t alone. Please, be aware of this. Help out other women who have been brow beaten over the head into submission with the word of God.

I remember when I was probably around 11 or so, one of my cousins told my sister and I point blank that it was a woman’s fault for sin. That because Eve disobeyed and ate the fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, she caused the Fall. And by extension, all women are to blame. He was probably 8 at the time. You might laugh and say, Oh kids say the darnedest things. But I feel this goes deeper. Where did this idea come from? Did he come up with it on his own? Or did the logic get passed down from someone older? And how does this concept actually affect how women in general are perceived? If women are responsible for original sin, then by extension, they can also be responsible for sin today. Let’s look at modesty. Growing up we weren’t allowed to wear certain styles of clothes. Skirts needed to be long enough. Shirts needed to cover any hint of cleavage. As girls we are told from youth that our bodies are something to be ashamed of and must be kept covered. I remember one summer where my Dad read a book and came away from it saying that maybe my sister and I shouldn’t be wearing bathing suits. They are not modest enough. It could cause a man to lust after our bodies and cause him to sin. Later that week, I didn’t stay to swim at a friend’s house because I didn’t want to cause the father to be tempted by my 15 year old swimsuit clad body. We place the responsibility for another person’s feelings and actions on our young daughters. It is seriously misplaced. Not once was it said that maybe a grown man who has lustful thoughts about a 15 year old should, you know, get himself under control? This concept trickles over into adulthood. Horrible example but rape victims, what was she wearing? She was wearing a mini skirt and wanted attention. She should have known better. Men can’t control their urges. Bull shit. If a woman wants to wear a bra and underwear out in public, it does not give another human the right to force his own feelings and desires onto her. But we take away a person’s responsibility for their actions by putting the blame onto another person. Nobody makes you do anything. It’s a choice. And I prefer to take my power of choice back. Sorry, no walking around in bra and underwear in public here, but I am no longer going to accept any shame over my body. I am no longer going to be held responsible for another human’s lustful thoughts and inability to be a decent human being. Again, this is just an example. This concept of women being responsible for sin can trickle down into other areas of life. It’s unhealthy. Time to stop blaming others for your own mistakes. We all make mistakes, male and female. But if your underlying assumption is that women intrinsically are temptresses, you will view them as such. And that is a disservice to your daughters, wives, coworkers, and women in general.

And as a mother of two boys, I realize my job is so important. I want to raise boys who see women as equal members of society. That their worth is based on being human, not in response to being in a relationship with someone else. No second class citizens here. I want to encourage them to take responsibility for their own actions by being a role model who does the same. I am going to make mistakes because guess what? I am human. But I also promise to do my best to own up, make amends, and learn from them. No more shifting blame. It is a careful path to walk. I refuse to raise them thinking that they as boys are responsible for all the issues in the world. That they can’t be manly. That’s an exaggeration and untrue. I just want to teach them to be aware of their thoughts and actions towards other humans, male or female. To challenge their viewpoints. I hope to teach them to be open minded to how others are stigmatized and hurt by old systems of thought that no longer serve us.

As a finally parting note, I wanted to share this midrash from Jewish tradition. It might not mean anything, but I found it rather fascinating. Then again, I have always been interested in folktales and mythology. There are two separate accounts describing women’s creation in the Bible. The first says that God created male and female, both in His image. Not till the next chapter are we told of Eve’s creation from the rib of Adam. So the rabbis filled in the blanks with this story.

After the Holy One created the first human being, Adam, He said: “It is not good for Adam to be alone.” He created a woman, also from the earth, and called her Lilith.

They quarreled immediately. She said: “I will not lie below you.” He said, “I will not lie below you, but above you. For you are fit to be below me and I above you.”

She responded: “We are both equal because we both come from the earth.”

Neither listened to the other. When Lilith realized what was happening, she pronounced the Ineffable Name of God and flew off into the air.

Adam rose in prayer before the Creator, saying, “The woman you gave me has fled from me.” Immediately the Holy One sent three angels after her.

The Holy One said to Adam: “If she wants to return, all the better. If not, she will have to accept that one hundred of her children will die every day.”

The angels went after her, finally locating her in the sea, in the powerful waters in which the Egyptians were destined to perish. They told her what God had said, and she did not want to return Alphabet of Ben Sira 23a-b

“And God created the human species in His own image . . . male and female created He them” (Genesis: 1-.27)

Lilith then became a demon. Because she wouldn’t submit and be the dutiful wife. She stood up for herself and was demonized. She is blamed for the death of children, seduction of men, etc. But what if she is actually an anti hero?

Once a source of fear, Lilith has been transformed into an icon of freedom. While some disapprove of this widespread embrace of a former demon, Lilith’s rehabilitation makes sense. The frightening character of Lilith grew, in part, out of repression: repression of sexuality, repression of the free impulse in women, repression of the question “what if I left it all behind?” As modern Jews begin to ask questions about sex, freedom, and choice more directly, Lilith becomes a complex representation of our own desires. – My Jewish Learning

Just a thought.

Verses for Context:

• Let a woman learn in peace, fully submitted; but I do not permit a woman to teach a man or exercise authority over him; rather, she is to remain at peace. ¹³ For Adam was formed first, then Eve. ¹⁴ Also it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman who, on being deceived, became involved in the transgression. ¹⁵ Nevertheless, the woman will be delivered through childbearing, provided that she continues trusting, loving and living a holy life with modesty. 1 Timothy 2:12-15
• If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church. 1 Corinthians 14:35
• Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5
• To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your pain in childbirth. You will bring forth children in pain. Your desire will be toward your husband, but he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16
• Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 1 Peter 3:1-6
• But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God…For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man.9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.
  1 Corinthians 11:3, 7-9